Chronic Fatigue, Schmonic Fatigue

Nice 20-something girl finds out that there IS a reason that she feels 75 years old. Here is here fight back.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Guess Who's Back?

I just got back from a weekend in Vegas...and (ahem...) I AM NOT SICK. Not only that, but I stayed up until like 2 am. Both nights. Granted, I didn't do the normal "going out all night" schtick that Vegas tends to call for...Friday night I met my two best friends there, one from another state and one who actually lives in Vegas (although I really still do not believe that anyone lives there...seems odd.) Anyway, it was Friday night and although I am not Shomeret Shabbat I still don't really go out on Fridays. They do, however. Still, they are really respectful. So we went to her house and just hung out with a bunch of people, and I had fun. I was worried that I would pass out early, but I was cool. The next day, we got up and I went jogging with my friends, three miles! (I have no idea who this girl with all the energy is...please let her know I am glad to meet her!) Saturday night we went out to dinner and a bar, it was fun. I only had one drink, which is more than enough these days, but I had a blast and more importantly didn't get too worn out.

Last night when I landed I was supposed to meet with Boyfriend, so I went to his house. We went out to dinner and had this huge talk, basically airing out issues that both of us were brooding over. At certain points in the dinner I think we must of looked like a first date, because I would look away, either trying not to cry or trying not to yell at him, depending on what point was being made. But because I had had the entire weekend to think about how much I really do not want to lose him, and how important it is to me to keep our relationship not only a priority but in a healthy status, I pushed myself to be real. It was hard, but everything is great now.

I don't want to get to overexcited, but I have so much energy! Almost like a normal human being! Gd is good.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Taking Back the Night

I have made a scary realization.

So, I have been sick (knowingly or not) for about a year, maybe two.

My energy levels have been really low...as I said before, much different than before.

But in the last three days, I have had my first real upswing since I started dating Boyfriend. (Sad, I know...almost a year since I felt good enough to stay up past midnight, and felt any kind of draw to go to a bar or anything!) Anyway, I realized something...Boyfriend hates going out.

When I have been sick, that has been find. A gdsend, almost, because there was no debate or compromise...neither of us wanted to go, so it was a non-issue.

But since I am feeling good, B"H, I want to do normal human things. Like see my friends. And go out. To places with people.

Now, I know that this isn't going to last forever. Sure, these upswings might come a bit more frequently, but it isn't going to be all the time.

But is it terrible that I feel weighed down by the Boyfriend who doesn't want to go out? I don't think it is healthy for me to go out all the time without him...not healthy to us. But I don't feel like it is fair for him to want me to sit at home when I FINALLY feel better.

I know that couples do this, that they have opposites interests, but I am still a bit nervous.

In the meantime, I am just going to enjoy the idea that maybe I can get back to a normal life...

Monday, November 20, 2006

Relationships=Stress

Why is it that there is this unwritten rule that says, no matter what, a relationship must hit the "every talk turns into THE TALK" at a certain point? I mean, up until very recently, Boyfriend and I have been totally fine. We have a groove...I work, he arts, we have our Shabbat, we try to be social, and the cycle starts all over.

Then comes the ENGAGEMENT.

The couple that introduced us got engaged, and since then, every discussion we've had, be it about our future or about dinner plans, has turned into some bizarre dance ritual surrounding MARRIAGE. And I don't quite know how to end the fights. Yes, we know we love each other, yes, we will most likely get married. So why do we have to bring it up on a constant basis? I don't know. The worst part was on Saturday night, at the birthday party of said engaged girl, when a mutual friend turned to Boyfriend and said, "Where is Chronic's ring?" He smirked and replied that he had ordered it off of Ebay, and that it was on it's way.

Now, I know that he 1) has not gotten me a ring, 2) would not have gotten me a ring off of EBAY, and 3) was just being obnoxious. But did I just shrug it off? No, not really. Instead, I turned around to look at him and hissed, "EBAY? Am I not worth going into an actual store?"

So the upshot is that I have decided to table the whole wedding discussion. If he wants to marry me, he will ask.

In other news, spending the whole weekend at the hospital with his family has taught me that perhaps I am not as tolerant as I once believed. I had to pop an Adavan just to get through the afternoon...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Getting Over It

So my boss is taking this illness very hard. Namely, he is devasted that I can no longer work 50 hours a week and feels that I am faking everything. I am torn, because I obviously don't want to come to work looking like I feel (roadkill), and I do my best to sound like the energetic, Hollywood-ish assistant that he wants me to be. However, his wife makes a point of saying things like, "You sound all better" during every conversation that really makes my blood boil. As in, "So, you should be able to be working from 9 to 8 again any moment!" and "You really don't have to take a lunch hour, do you?"

I feel like saying, You know, that whole Chronic word is pretty pertinent to the diagnosis. When I was younger, I was the first one to bring about the "Wednesday is the new Friday" movement, bringing my weekends to pretty much 5 days a week. I went to University of Arizona, for Gd's sakes. It was not, contrary to popular belief, the Harvard of the West! I mean, I studied hard, got good grades, but I was always out, with my friends...not home, yawning, at 6 o'clock because the time change really threw me for a loop. If my boss really knew how much this has changed my life, maybe he would realize that even the damn 40 hours I am giving him is draining me.

Actually, I don't think he cares. If I could just understand how much this is stressing him out, I'd be so upset...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

OY

I have been meaning to post for awhile, to start this blog. But true to the illness, I have been too tired. I can start off my day with a list of things to do, but pretty soon the extraneous things get chopped off and all that is left is "brush teeth" and "breathe".

The last few days, however, have been good B"H. Tuesday, I managed to vote, go to the pharmacy, and get to dinner with a friend. Talk about productive! However, I began to get sad at dinner, thinking about the "old days" (before diagnosis) when I was able to do so much without such exhaustion. It has been awhile.

Lately I have come to terms with my new reality, being that it has only really been a month since I have officially known what I was feeling. Even though I have been sick for about two years, I haven't had any time to do the things that are required to relief any of the issues that come along with chronic fatigue because I didn't know what I had. When I started to feel better, I would push at the gym, or go out with friends, not knowing that I was starting up the cycle. And now I am realizing that I was making everything worse. So I am working on the reality that moderation is my friend...which is probably my worst quality. I am not a very moderate person in any aspect!